One Small Thing

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I took a walk today. That’s all. That’s what I did, that’s my contribution to society. The sun was out and the snow finally started melting and I went outside.

Go me.

I was off work for two days in a row, something that doesn’t always happen. Naturally the first day I stayed inside all day and naturally I wanted to do the same thing on the second day but I figured I would get some real vitamin D in addition to what I take in vitamin form.

It was about forty degrees which almost feels like coochie cutter weather compared to the below freezing temps I’ve been dealing with. I walked down streets I hadn’t before. Noticed another train station that I hadn’t seen before. A few stores are selling nice fur coats and a new Dunkin’ location is about to open a few blocks away from another Dunkin’ of course. Everything is 50% off at the Banana Republic, I’ve never shopped there but I do love a deal. I noticed a Popeyes too, the best fried chicken and I’ll argue about it.

Nothing I saw today was revolutionary but I’m glad I saw it. I’m glad I saw all those pigeons eating scraps of bread. I remember my mom used to keep a plastic bag of bread scraps and would take it outside when I was little and while we waited for the school bus we would feed the birds. I remembered how much I love walking, even when I don’t have anywhere to go. I don’t like walking down the same street twice, I have to walk back a different way because I just want to see something different. I walked by a bakery that had the outside covered in fake pink and red flowers for Valentines Day. It was cute. They were playing “Hands Down” by Dashboard Confessional, omg one of the sweetest songs. I walked by a wine shop and I loved the sign outside. It was really simple sign, I like simple a lot sometimes.

I wasn’t out for too long but I wasn’t out for a little bit either, it was the perfect amount of time. It was that time of the day when the sun is the brightest. That time in the afternoon when people start getting off work and kids are coming home from school. Traffic is starting to get bad and the bus is blocking everyone from crossing the street so you have to go around it, that time of day.

Dodging piles of dirty snow left and right. The dirtiest snow I’ve ever seen with so much dog poop in it! But oh well. If people don’t pick up their dog shit then what am I going to do? ya know.

So anyway I saw this thing recently, probably on tiktok, about doing one small thing everyday to achieve your goals or whatever. Normally I don’t really like shit like that but I wrote it down anyway to remind myself. Today my one small thing was taking this walk. It wasn’t planned and honestly it did feel like a sort of struggle to even put pants and shoes on.

I don’t like to use the word depressed flippantly. Everyone deals with it differently, some people can’t get out of bed or take care of their hygiene or whatever but for me all I know is that I’m exhausted and having a confusing time and it feels hard right now. I also don’t naturally want to get up and do shit too much anyway, I’m very much a lounger and couch potato so sometimes I’m not sure if its my natural state or if I’m feeling a sort of depression but I do know that I did feel a bit better when I came home from the walk.

Lately and most of the past few years I’ve have this countdown to when something is going to end or begin. I’ll sit idle waiting for the next thing. Impatiently waiting for the future and romanticizing/dwelling on the past, wishing my life away. I sit and wait for time to pass because I don’t want to live in the moment to be honest because the moment sucks, but maybe it only sucks because I’m telling myself that.

There’s been so many sayings that I didn’t understand for a very long time. For example, I didn’t fully realize what the saying “Hindsight is 20/20” meant until like ten years ago and I’m about to be 40. Fuck, I didn’t even know that a cucumber and a pickle were the same thing until I was a full grown adult, but that’s irrelevant. It also just hit me what “The grass is greener where you water it” means, like I knew what it meant but now I feel like I’m experiencing what it truly means. I guess it means that taking care of what you have and nourishing that is sometimes better than that other shiny thing you’re idolizing. I get it now, I mean I’ll still want the shiny thing because I’m just like that but I get it.

I’m happy and I guess proud(?) of myself for doing this one small thing today. Even though it’s not this crazy accomplishment it made me feel better. I’m thankful I could do it. I’m able bodied and live somewhere that is walkable with lots of things to see. The weather was nice and I had the free time and I’m fortunate to have a home to return to when I was done walking, I also had to pee but anyhoo…much love and hearts. I pray I see the sun again very soon and I hope I take advantage of the present moments so I can enjoy them.